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dEGOnstruction

ego deconstruction
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I'm a daddy

1 min read
Yep. I am! :D
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So recently a deviant whom I've never even spoken with had the generosity to give me a 1 year subscription along with a couple thousand points. I've never had a stranger bestow me with such a delightfully surprising gift, and it really fills me with hope for life and man and everything in between. It's hard to be misanthrope knowing people like that exist. I hope the world is kind to you, stranger :) And if you're ever in the Florida area and need anything at all feel free to ask, seriously
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fever dreams

9 min read
no i haven't had any super psychedelic fever dreams in a while its just an album by Byron Metcalf that came to mind and sounds cool. that guy makes some trippy shamanic trance inducing stuff

i do have a pretty wicked fever though :\ which is probably why im even writing a journal at all. you ever notice how your thoughts get so unusual during fevers? like so real and to the core, the primal part of you just comes roaring out. usually i just get so obsessed and addicted to fucking off online that i never get anything done as far as super introspective journals go. i guess another part of me secretly wants my 'girlfriend' (if i can even call it that) to read it to remind her that i am a human being. weird huh? i can talk for hours on end and be super introspective and geniune just like this, totally fuckin zoned in like a laser beam, getting to the meat of stuff, really interesting and awesome ideas and realizations, fucking zen master mode -- but it has no effect. but when she reads it, it has a huge effect and brings her to tears. its so weird. mix that with the fact that i just layed in bed for 3 hours and listened intently to a joe rogan podcast where he talks about writing a lot and i guess he gave me the writing bug

things have been so fucking weird lately but for some reason im like half numb to it. like for example for the first time in my life i was able to work a job steady for like 7 months straight but recently i quit because i had to take a break. that daily grind with a boss around every fuckin day riding your bike in the freezing cold or scorching heat just steals and rots your soul, i cant believe people do this shit their whole life. poor people.. so not only is working a huge change in my day to day life that i had to get myself accustomed to, but now i have to get accustomed to NOT working, which is always cool because who doesnt like to FUCK OFF all day?? well most people fuck off and dont do anything but i slave my time away METICULOUSLY and tediously perfecting and collecting art, wallpapers, music, creating videos, sharing ideas, taking in new ideas, etc.

youd think id be a huge pothead with this kind of personality and lifestyle but as it turns out the cards i was dealt involve a weird hangup about it. oh well, whatever. you dont ask for a lot of the shit you get in life but you get it anyway and you just have to find a way to make it work for YOU.

which brings me to this weird dillema with my girlfriend. i guess you cant understand the story without understanding me, but lets just say i have no problem with pot or plants or anything like that, im not some biased ill-informed fuckass who clings to some absurd ideology or cultural moral superiority complex who pats themselves on the back for not being into drugs. i used to be sorta like that, i mean it feels good to feel like you fit in and be the good guy, but i guess im too sincere to let myself bullshit myself for too long because deep down its a corrupt mentality and i cant help but notice it. thats kinda why growing up i could never really get myself to be a label. trust me i tried, i had a wigger phase for a while. its embarassing as fuck to admit, but i used to sag my pants and wear my hat sideways when i was like 13 and listen to ODB. but deep down... something about being a fake person, an insincere disingenuous person just hurt my soul.

sometimes i wonder how some people can still do that shit for YEARS, sometimes their whole life. dont they get that unmistakable feeling, that splinter in their psyche that they cant pinpoint immediately, but it says "haha you are so gay, why are you being so fake? cmon man dont be such a turd, life wasnt meant for us to piss away by feeding our ego constantly"

ANYWAY back to my point... yeah i got a weird hangup with pot. but only pot smoke, the act of smoking it. its so weird. it basically is ruining my relationship with my girlfriend that ive been living with for over a year now, and it isnt the first relationship that pot smoke has completely ruined. the one before this had the same thing happen, and i lived with her for 2 years. but before that it ruined some relationships i had with my friends, which turned me into a loner. why does pot wreck my world? i dont understand. ive never smoked it before, i cant due to my hangup, the set and setting would be so fucking bad, the vibes in my own psyche would be JACKED -- so i have to eat it. i ate it once. i think humans were made to eat shit, i mean seriously its our first reaction. do you see a dog or a monkey lighting shit on fire and sucking in the smoke? like random plant matter? HAHA thats absurd. nobody does that. but every creature (including humans) sure does eat stuff to experiment with it. so i think we should eat pot instead of smoke it.

so yeah my relationship with my gf is crumbling and it puts me into some wild mood swings lately. i try my best to numb it out and block it out, but sometimes it creeps up on me and i cant help but think about how jacked things are. when pot is not in the picture at all things are fine and i feel like im able to be myself and be so incredibly loving and caring, but when pot gets into the picture my whole hangup kicks in and my psyche just totally spins outta control and i cant really be myself, i get angry, frustrated, i feel helpless, i get nightmares, i cant trust, i mean shit really hits the fan.

lately ive been thinking about moving out. i told her about it but its not the first time i said it so i dont think she takes me seriously, but just imagining life at my moms place or elsewhere seems like maybe i can finally get away from this destructive relationship and get back to me being me again, like it was before she decided to ruin everything with lies and pot. it does have its cons though... i mean ill have to work at cicis again and fuck that sucks. but i might not have to pay bills so i can save up a little money. she would probably get me to talk to her or i would cave in and start talking to her then i would get all sentimental and possibly go into a realllllly dangerous dark depression... and i cant afford that shit after a breakup. the hard part will be not really talking to her. if i can manage that i might be able to put this behind me and make life workable and sane, but then again maybe not. i dont know.

im so torn about it. i mean on one hand i want things to work out because we have invested so much time into it. i see so much potential. we have a lot of memories together.... well it seems like lately the more memories we make the worse they get. i cant ever really trust her because she always lies to me about little things, sometimes big things, but she just freaks me out because shes SO comfortable lying to me all the time about stupid shit. it really bothers me. i feel like if someone is capable of lying to you even about stupid things, its just a sign that they are willing to lie to you period, about anything. being comfortable with lying is so scary. that really scares me and im not sure it can work as long as its like that.

so things have been chaotic. i dont know what the future holds. if i will be alone, if i can EVER find someone who isnt into pot but is capable of expanding their mind otherwise, all that stuff. i dont know if i can work, if my 7 month spree of working was a fluke, like i have no fucking idea. will i live at home? will i live here? will i get kicked out? will i be homeless? what the fuck is going on? i have no idea.

all i know is this journal is really long and i imagined it would be WAAAY better in my mind before i wrote it. now its just some long-winded wall of annoying text of some stupid guy talking about himself non stop as if anyone wants to read that.

ill always love that girl and things had or have so much potential... but you cant be happy and functional when you feel like the other person doesnt care, doesnt listen to you, and always lies to you

whatever the future holds hopefully its not too chaotic. this fever sucks. she didnt even say bye to me when she left. doesnt even try anymore
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so i have this hunch that twitter is being blasted over mainstream media/news in an effort to obtain as many members/addicts (no not drug) as possible in an effort to

-spy on peoples' lives

-setup systems and software to automatically detect 'strange' or possibly 'terrorist' behavior (thoughtcrime)

-obtain lifestyle information to
a) sell you shit
b) profile you
c) ... insert any number of possible big brother interests

call me paranoid, but this is my prediction.
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hi

1 min read
hire me for graphic design. plz? thx.
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Featured

I'm a daddy by dEGOnstruction, journal

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